Experience: Your Greatest Dragons Guard Your Deepest Desires

When I was a kid, I had all sorts of fears. I was afraid of EVERYTHING. I was even afraid of putting on my shirt over my head, so my mom would buy me larger shirts, large enough for me to fit my whole body through the neck!

Each morning, as she helped me dress, she'd ask me, "What are you most afraid of?" to which I'd respond something that genuinely frightened me, but now seems trivial. Then she'd asked me, "What do you want the most?"

"What are you most afraid of? And what do you want the most?"

"The Power Rangers Transformer toy!" I'd yell!.. or any other thing that I had been obsessed with at that time. She then would make a deal with me, if I conquered my greatest fear, I'd get my greatest desire...

I remember one specific time pretty well. I had found a Batman mask that you could cut out in a magazine...I don't really remember the magazine, but I do remember how cool the mask looked! She snatched the magazine away and asked me, "what are you most afraid of?"

She knew what I was most afraid of...that dreaded water slide (we were in the middle of a pool party and I was hanging out alone indoors). It looked so fun from a distance...a safe distance. But as soon as I'd climb up those stairs, no... I couldn't do it...

So there I was, inspecting that slide. Watching everyone that went on it. Determined to learn the secrets they knew. Determined to ride the slide. I asked everyone for advice, "how do you do it? Is it scary?" I'd climb up the stairs to it, look down the undulations of water...then get the feeling of being rushed, or ashamed that I was in the way of others who knew its secrets. I needed my time.

My brothers would try to show me how to do it, a part of them proud that they weren't afraid...like me, a part of them wanting me to join them. My dad would come and hold me as we'd inspect it from above, and I'd forget about the line that was forming.

Finally, after what felt like hours in little kid time... I'd take the leap! Completely regretting my decision on the way down...but when I came back up from the water, I felt both excited, and relieved. Everyone cheered! I wanted to do that again...but it was so emotionally taxing...

So I'd go back to inspecting the slide until my courage meter reached its necessary threshold, this time, however, it took much less time...until, ultimately, you couldn't keep me off the slide!

Afterwards, my mom approached me with the Batman mask, though I can't remember if she had cut it out and put the rubber band already, or if I cut it out. Regardless, I wore it everywhere...until my face turned some colors of ink that leaked on my wet face! So proud, for something so fleeting.

Each time I conquered a fear, on top of my greatest desire...as if by magic, a small figurine of a poison toad would show up in unexpected places.

I never once caught her buying anything that I wanted. She never succumbed to my childish manipulation tactics of yelling, or screaming in the store. But she always had a secret closet filled with all of our desires. A secret closet we one day discovered...

Something in me, through this nurturing, learned to go towards the things that make me feel uncomfortable, that make me feel scared. I'm still scared more often than most people (or even most people would think), but just because I feel the fear, doesn't mean I need to succumb to it. In fact, later in life I'd learn that there are two distinctly different types of fear...one should be listened to...the other shouldn't...

But that's a story for another time!