System #9: Circling

There's a part of us that wants to connect on a much deeper level than we get a chance to do in our daily lives. A part of us that wishes we could truly show ourselves to others, even though we fear doing so. This fear has been taught to us by the world, mostly unintentionally, by parents, friends, teachers, and lovers. Do you remember a time when you were trying to be you and it was met with resistance, or retreat. That time when you felt such joy you wanted to sing, but your parents always got annoyed, so you would just suck it in because you knew they would yell at you. Or a time when you felt like you were in love, but when you expressed it, the other person ran away, so you stopped telling people the truth to keep them near. Or when you disagreed with what your friends were doing, but knew that if you brought it up they'd laugh at you, tease you, or worse, drop you, so you went along with it anyway. There's millions more examples we could make, but while many could have been explicit attempts at control, most weren't intentional. Most were broken people who are bad at interpersonal communication, attempting to dance together in this dance called life.

Triangulation

From that dance, you learned to hide yourself. You learned the consequence of telling the truth. You learned the loneliness of being you and you were faced with an issue. Do I submit and get along or show myself and be alone? This is called Triangulation, when you push something away, to move closer to someone who is also distancing themselves from that same thing.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Unfortunately, the enemy was you. So you fractured yourself to get along with people. You distanced yourself from your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and things you loved, because the people in your life you wanted to be close to, you had learned, didn't like those things and so, wouldn't like you.

Vulnerability

That's why it's so difficult in our world today to be vulnerable, because that vulnerability brings up deep seated fears and anxieties about being left alone because of showing who we are. We try to say that we're afraid to show ourselves because "we don't want to give people ammunition against us" but the words don't hurt as much as the loneliness does. We are inspired by people who are able to be vulnerable, and associate tremendous courage that ability. But another word for vulnerability would be transparency and few things in life other than humans are able to be as opaque and able to deceive as we do. It's a gift, and a serious curse.

An Apple Tree Analogy

Imagine for a moment an apple tree. It can't be anything other than an apple tree, for better or worse. As it matures, it will only ever gift the world with apples which some things actually hate. But there are others that love apples. Because of its authenticity of being, this apple tree, by simply being itself, creates a separation in its world. It draws things that love apples to it, and pushes others away.

...this apple tree, by simply being itself, creates a separation in its world

If the apple tree were a human, it would try to make apples for some people, and mangoes for others, or grapes for a third set. This causes two serious issues:

1. Your mangoes and grapes suck.
2. You are subsidizing an artificial reality.

While humans are immensely capable and are able to be things we are not, it is so much harder to be other people than it is to be ourselves. Because of this difficulty, our grapes and mangoes (compared to our apples) will either be of much worse quality that other grapes and mangoes coming from their respective vines and trees, or we'll exhaust ourselves squeezing out things that aren't ours to create in the first place.

Apples, mangoes, grapes, what? I'm not sure I understand, what's with all the fruit? Let's look at it another way: Imagine for instance that you wanted to be a computer scientist (or dancer, or poet, or social worker), but your dad (and mom) are set on you becoming a doctor because your whole family has always been doctors, or you're the first to go to college and they think that being a doctor is the best thing for you, or worse, they think they know you better and force you to be the person they think you are. Could you be a doctor? Absolutely, but because you wouldn't have that drive to care for people or any motivation from being a doctor, the struggles of being a doctor would be SUBSTANTIALLY more difficult than the struggles of being a [fill in the blank].

All humans struggle, show me what you are willing to struggle for, and I will show you who you'll become.

The world, the universe, and everything inside it, is in a co-creative dance. We, together, with all of our skills, abilities, and weaknesses, partake in creating the future, moment by moment. The energy we spend daily lays down platforms for other things to build from. Let's return to the tree example for a moment, imagine all those things that were attracted to the fake apple, mango, grape tree. Let's imagine a village settled nearby specifically for that mango tree. Maybe even some other plant's seeds found their ways to this specific tree and were able to only grow near grape trees. This whole ecosystem gets created around these gifts that this tree provides.

Now imagine that this tree decides to become its authentic self. The mirage of the mangoes and grapes disappear, fade away. Imagine now all those things that depended on that fake reality that the tree created. Even all those things that existed because of those things that had depended on those grapes and mangoes. The whole ecosystem would die, all because this tree delayed revealing itself. Not only that, imagine that you were that apple tree. Imagine the pain of having your entire ecosystem, the system that you had been sustaining, pull away from you; your friends, lovers, job, community. Ah, but there's the rub. We, as humans, are very able to imagine this potential, so we continue to squeeze out those mangoes and grapes, pushing a part of ourselves away to bring the world near, and allow this world to continue building on our fake reality. But in this fake reality, you'll never be as satisfied, as seen, as stable, as loving, as the reality you could make by being authentic.

Trauma

To be fair, we don't start out with as much autonomy as we'd like, or need, or want. Our first 18 years of life are spent, in many cases, needing to be a grape or mango tree. Our first 18 years of life are spent learning to not be ourselves and creating a world, relationships, dependencies on a you that doesn't exist. The transition is not only hard, that would be an understatement. Running a marathon is hard. But totally imploding your life is verging on suicidal. Losing everything, and potentially everyone you've ever known terrifies our very essence. It engages our fight or flight response and gives us the fuel to perpetuate our fake reality. We learn to live not by feeling the guidance of our present in a magical co-creative dance with the rest of our reality, but with our minds stuck on the future anxiety, the future pain, that if we were to shrug, our world would topple.

We learn to live not by feeling the guidance of our present in a magical co-creative dance with the rest of our reality, but with our minds stuck on the future anxiety that if we were to shrug, our world would topple.

Trauma, therefore, is an interpersonal issue. It's a false mental model of the world. It's a defense mechanism to help us navigate our collective brokenness; our fake reality. It's that lack of trust because we were stolen from, abused, molested, maybe even raped so we need to constantly have our guard up. It's the hyper alertness because any slip could cost us our lives because we're constantly under fire (real or imagined). Our mind, the pattern recognition machine that it is, is hyper vigilant for any recurring patterns that caused our pain to protect us from those learned outcomes. It trains us in our dreams in an attempt to save our lives whenever they are encountered again. But even in a new place with new people, it never takes the time to assess the newness of it all. It can't let itself rest, or pause, or breath, or worse...forget, for fear of death.

Memory, is both a wonderful blessing and an all encompassing prison.

So how do we retrain the mind? How do we allow ourselves to slowly dissolve these broken mental models. How do we allow ourselves to readjust our minds to the new reality?

It Takes Practice

Circling is a practice and term coined by The Circling Institute that attempts to provide an avenue for healing of all of these problems mentioned above. It's quite simple in practice but deeply profound in impact. It involves a circle of people (typically 4-10 - though you can do it alone or with a partner) and begins with what they call "dropping in," 30 seconds to get connected to what it feels like to be you in this moment. After those 30 seconds, circling begins. There's no formula to it, but there are a couple common ground rules:

1. Remain present in awareness, senses, and mind.
2. Don't try to fix others, give advice or share knowledge/information attained outside the present.

There's also a few different types of Circling that can be done, the original Circling focused on one individual, deemed the Circlee. Organic Circling, where the group follows what feels present and alive in the moment. And the most advanced, called Atomic Circling where you can also include the ability to move and reorient yourselves in space; jumping in and out of different circles and moments.

As the group begins, you are welcomed to share how you feel in the moment, what feels alive in you or you may ask others what is moving or happening in them (depending on the type of Circling). Each response continues the dance of exploring each other through what you ask and disclose. Here are some possibilities:

1. Express - I feel __? I have a story that you are __? I have a story that the group is __? Does that story resonate with you?
   1. A story is a sense/perception from your perspective.
2. Inquire - What is alive in you? What does it feel like to be ___?
3. Reflect - I hear you saying __?
4. Empathize - If I were you, I would be feeling __?
5. Perceive - You seem __. It feels as though you might be __.
6. Request - Make a request of the group.

Combining all these tools while being connected to the moment and driven by our curiosity for connection allows us to co-create a new circling experience each time. Each circle is wildly different than others, some can be heavy, others playful, others tense. Through circling you get a chance to safely navigate every dynamic of interpersonal relationships from the conflicts, to the awkwardness, as well as the love, and connection.

Circling isn't about creating a safe space, or even a dangerous space, but finding the balance to create a Brave Space

Taking Offense

There are so many wonderful aspects of circling, but my favorite one is the endless opportunities it creates to become offended. In John Bevere's book The Bait of Satan, he talks about how, in our lives, we'll be confronted with innumerable offenses, but it only becomes a problem when we take that offense, identify with it and become one who is offended. Offended people act out of hurt, pride, jealously, revenge, malice, anger, etc. and tempt others to fall prey to the same trap. In circling, those emotions, sensations, or stories that come up when offended are welcomed to be shared. When offense is shared, defined, and analyzed, it makes it much harder to become that offense and in many cases can serve to dispel the hurt.

Breaking Social Conventions

Another fun thing about Circling is your ability to break social convention. Not feeling what's happening in the circle? Express your detachment, or express your boredom. Someone else might be feeling it too and you could have just given words to their internal state. Edgy statements, when coming from truth, bring with them a renewed fire or breath to the group. These statements can also create connection within the group (or a subset) and help you understand, and be aware of your internal state. Here are examples of edgy statements:

• Do you think you are talking too much? How does that land for you?
• I don't resonate with anything being said.
• What are you not saying?
• As a group, it feels like we're feeling this __.

I have found that the closer we get to honesty, the more engaged the group becomes. We're all used to the political dance of holding back all that we truly want to say to maintain our "social contract." This, and its opposite, are a large part of what make normal interactions difficult for people. When someone is brave enough to step outside of that, people immediately snap back to the present. These social conventions are taken to another level when mixed with Atomic Circling, where you are able to physically move yourself to make other circles or leave the one you're currently in. Imagine you're in a two person circle and you leave that one person. Imagine you leave them while they're talking. Imagine they leave you while you're talking. Realistically, this isn't usual, but it's possible and these feelings that Circling can draw out of you are a big part of why I love the practice. These emotions, sensations, or stories that get created through Circling are real, raw, and learning to see them and express them during the Circle equips us with the awareness to see them in our real lives and, with enough practice, maybe even the strength to express them.

The Debrief

After a Circling session, you all get a chance to debrief. This can be done one at a time, or popcorn style (where people speak when the space is given for a new voice). This debrief is where you get a chance to talk about moments that stood out to you, or how the experience felt. It also allows you to ask questions or share insights that you might have had and didn't get a chance to share. Debriefs can take on a life of their own as the participants dive into the analysis of their inner journeys and perceived group journeys. Again, we try to maintain a "Brave Space," where you should feel welcomed to share yourself, and your experience with others. Your perspective and experiences might provide the catalyst someone needs to help them give words to what they felt, or feel feelings they'd been repressing. It's also a good practice to notice if you speak more during debrief than in the Circle as you potentially might be speaking things that could have been needed in the Circle.

Conclusion

Unlearning how to be human is hard. It's even harder when you're constantly in real life, with real consequences. Like a soccer player trying a new skill for the first time in a game, leading the other team to take the ball and score. We, like that soccer player, have learned that we should stick to what works. But, unlike that soccer player, we don't usually have a space where we can practice. This practice space, a space to feel a majority of the plethora of emotions or sensations available to us as humans, allows us to train our new selves. It allows us space to make mistakes that won't cost us a goal. With new moves we notice new opportunities available to us within moments and patterns that we've lived our whole lives, seemingly on repeat. These new moves, allow us to break or transcend those recurring cycles which then leads us to new situations which can draw out new parts of you. This exploration process can bring up new, or hidden emotions that all need to be understood, seen, felt. All towards the goal of reconnecting with the selves that we've triangulated into repression.