System: A Different Psychology

I've always thought that there was only "psychology." This, it says, is how human minds work. Things happen to us, and it affects us, and we become traumatized to be different. Cause, and effect. This is the bases of Jungian psychology. Because you were bullied in high school, now you have anxiety about social events. To my mind, that always seemed too mechanistic. But, I've always thought to myself, people are not machines...even though people try to act like some.

I never rectified this thinking until I read a book called "The Courage to be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. In it, they brings up this hundred year old other branch of psychology I had never heard of, which started around the same time as Jungian psychology called Adlerian psychology. This psychology was based on the idea that humans are users of tools. A tool is something that is used to extend your human capabilities/influence to achieve a job/purpose.

Of course, you understand that that's one of things that scientists have said sets us apart from animals (even though we've recently started discovering that MANY animals actually use tools). But there are many type of tools. We have hammers, which could be called a physical tool, but we also have interpersonal tools too, like money, language, or emotions. And while a hammer is an easy example of a physical tool, you could actually include things like houses to be tools as they extend human capabilities to an end, a purpose.

Maybe more dramatically, emotions are a tool. Just like one could hold a knife to your throat to make you cave into their desires, so can one have a temper tantrum as they know you lack the emotional, and social maturity to disarm them.

An Example

Let's bring this down to earth for a moment. Imagine you're a child in a toy store, and you want this specific toy. So you take the most direct tool you can (since you've learned that you can't just take the toy), you ask for it. But, unfortunately, your parents say 'no.' Sorry Chuck, better luck next time...

But you're not done yet, you're a smart one, and you know that your parents hate when you embarrass them in public, so you start screaming. Everyone is looking at you, everyone is looking at them. Your parents get flushed, and their insecurities flare.

"Stop!" They ask.

But you've only just begun.

Soon enough, you're the new proud owner of a ruby red remote control race car. Congratulations! You successfully extended your reach and power beyond your own limits to get others to do something for you. And boy are you excited to continue getting what you want.

This is also the case with lying as a tool.

"Have you finished your homework?" They ask.

"Yes, finished it while waiting for the bus." You reply confidently.

"Can I go hang out at Billie's house?"

"Of course honey"

Piece of cake...you quickly learn that you can get what you want with your tools, and you use them well. All sorts of hurt is left in your wake, but it doesn't matter to you because you've gotten what you wanted.

But maybe you aren't the perpetrator, but the unfortunate victim of someone else's tool: aggression. A kid at school, feeling insecure for innumerable reasons decides to take it out on you whenever you are walking through a certain field alone.

Quickly you learn, using this new tool: forethought. You realize that you can predict where he's going to be, or maybe even choose to avoid being alone at all times. Unfortunately, later, when you're older, that same tool continues to be used...on replay but you've forgotten what its purpose was.

Adlerian Psychology

This is Adlerian psychology. You are in command of your vehicle. You choose which augments, and tools you use. But we've forgotten that we aren't the victims of our lives...we are the managers. That stands in stark contrast to Jungian psychology that views you as the victim of environment, or circumstance. In Jungian therapy, one needs to go back to these moments and relive those experiences and heal that part of yourself to be able to change your current selves (if at all).

But in Adlerian psychology, you simply continue your life while taking an audit of all the tools that you actively use and what purpose they serve. Whenever you find a tool that you use that creates an outcome that you no longer desire...you begin to let it go.

An Old Friend

While reading this book, I kept being called to reach out to an old friend that had moved away, but had had a difficult life. She had seen numerous therapists, and psychologists but wasn't beginning to do any better. In fact, it seemed that she was so smart, they she knew all the right decisions, all their tools, and anything one might believe one would need to get out of their situation. But to her, this happened to me, and I can't change it. Why try? I'm broken, and can never be repaired.

But when I called her, her voice felt different. She felt light. We caught up, and I told her about the book, and how it kept making me think of her. After explaining the idea, she told me that she had finally found a therapist who specialized in this form a psychology. She was told to make account of her tools, and their purposes, and within a week had started to release each one that no longer served her.

I was in tears. This thinking works and it returns agency to people. I hope you know that if you're hurting, you're not broken. If you're in despair, there is a way back to joy. Even if your life is going splendidly, which I hope it is, I'd encourage you to take the first step and start to audit all the tools that you use on a regular basis. When do you raise your voice, or get angry? When do you sound annoyed, or try to control someone because something they did tickles your insecurities? Which doors have you closed off in your life for any purpose? Which relationships or friendships have you distanced yourself from? For what purpose?

It's time to let these things go, become the person you've dreamed of being, free, light, and glowing with vitality. It's not easy, in fact, it can be quite scary upsetting the normal way you've learned to live your life. But take the first step...

Marianne Williamson says it best:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us. 

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? 
You are a child of God. 

Your playing small 
Does not serve the world. 
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking 
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, 
As children do. 
We were born to make manifest 
The glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us; 
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, 
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 
As we're liberated from our own fear, 
Our presence automatically liberates others.